Clara Ann’s Weblog

26 Sep 2011 1 Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

Boy,

I fell in love with you the day you spammed my Facebook with notifications.  I thought it in my head as my eyes scanned over each one.  And then I knew.  At that ridiculous moment in my life, you had me.  I was gone; a mess, but a beautiful mess, really.  You had already confessed that you were truly in love with me.  I could hardly stand the wait to tell you I felt the same way.  I was working up the courage to tell you myself, but you figured it out.

I had known you more than half my life, but hadn’t spoken more than a few words to you until I switched to a charter school and we happened to take a class together.  In fact, my mom knew you better than I.  She had been your piano teacher since you were in elementary school.  You always loved my mom.  You even joked on and on about having a “crush” on her.  When the first day of class started, I remember that I didn’t think much more of you other than my-mom’s-cute-piano-student.  But now we were in a class together.  You were flirting a lot.  I could tell you were good at it, because I was charmed right away.  You were a rebel too, always talking about the trouble you were getting into and the things that you were doing that you really shouldn’t have been doing.  In a way, I was afraid of you.  I tend to listen to words a lot more than I should, and I loved every word coming from your lips.  Other than the times you would cuss and talk about the trouble you were getting yourself into.  I could tell that I was slowly developing a crush on you that I figured would get me no where anyway.  I thought I knew better than to meddle with a charming troublemaker.  Thinking nothing much of your lovely stares during class and solely enjoying your presence, I found it harder to ignore your wonderful disastrous self.  I looked past the ugly things about you and focused on the beauty you carried.  There was something about the way you could turn a dull room into a party.  Before you would get to class, it was like waiting in line for a roller coaster.  You really were that much fun.  There was one day in particular when we went on a field trip.  The whole time you were, if not alone, walking with me.  At one point, you came up from behind me and literally breathed down my neck, and you almost kissed me.  There wasn’t a moment when you couldn’t make me laugh.  Especially when we stopped for lunch at a fast food restaurant and you offered me a seat with you asking if I wanted to join you for a “romantic” dinner.  So I did, just you and I.  After sitting and laughing with you for that time, I came home with a stomach ache from laughing so hard, and I couldn’t have been happier.  I knew that I felt something more for you. After the first semester of class was over was when you started talking to me.

It was February 25^th. I had been talking non-stop about prom, announcing everyone in class that they should be a part of it even if they thought it was lame for a charter school to have a prom. After I had a made yet another announcement for prom, you looked at me and said my name with question. I said,

“Yeah?” and you kindly asked,

“When is prom?” I went over the time and date with you and then insisted on you going, when out of no where you suggested,

“Only if you go with me.”

Wanting to keep the conversation cool, I simply agreed with an O.K. and asked what color you were thinking. Red. I should have known, your favorite color. But you made sure that I agreed with the color and said it didn’t matter, but you thought red was a brilliant idea, and I did too. After class that day, you messaged me on Facebook for the first time. In the message you told me that you were happy to have such a “pretty date” to prom and that I needed to let you know if I decided to go with someone else. After this message, you got me. I called my best friend and freaked out about the whole thing. We considered that to be the day we came together as a couple. After this day, there were many more days filled with excessive flirting and talking in and out of class. I expressed concerns for the habits you had. You were smoking a lot and illegally. I knew I couldn’t change this, but it didn’t stop me from trying to encourage you to make better choices. We grew closer as friends and I started to care about you a lot more than I had planned for. Every time you brought up your feelings for me, I denied them. I took them as a bunch of cute words to try and get into my pants. I knew how you were with the ladies and I knew that I was probably just another girl in your life. Then one day, you came to me with your problems. You told me how you were so hurt by your own choices and you felt guilty for the things you had done. You felt bad that you spent more time in illegal activity rather then spending hours with your grandparents who had raised you since you were three. I melted. This was a side of you I really hadn’t seen. I was used to you being big and macho, showing no emotion at all. Around this time, you decided you were going to quit smoking. And you did. I was so proud of you. I even researched withdrawals of quitters to keep you in line. I tried to understand it better from your point of view so that it would be easier for you to come to me about it. I checked up on you when you would message me or text me to make sure you were eating, staying healthy and getting your appetite back. I was very careful not to offend you throughout your habits. I was the one person in your life who wasn’t under the influence but also wasn’t mad at you for it. You said that I was the first straight edge to be kind about your choices. I felt special and I felt like my place in your life was significant.

The days were getting closer and closer to prom. As it was just around the corner, it was obvious that we had strong feelings for each other. You told me that there was another girl that you had been talking with but you told her you couldn’t any more because of me. And then I told you that I did the same with a guy that I had been talking to. When you told me this, I knew that you were trying to tell me that you were getting more serious about us. It was the night of prom before I knew it. I had been waiting for so long to have a night like this. I knew it was going to pass by quick, so I wanted to make it as special as I possibly could. I had been working for the past three weeks before prom night so that I would fit perfectly into my dress. Thankfully, all that heart-racing, muscle pain, and shortness of breath paid off. It took me about 3 hours to prepare myself for the night of prom. I woke up the morning of and took a walk with my sister and my best friend. When I got home, I relaxed and painted my finger nails and toe nails a brilliant red to match my silky dress. It wasn’t long until I heard my mom yelling “Ten minute warning!” So I, being smart, used the restroom and slipped my dress on. It was perfect. Then I put my jewelry on, gathered my things and went downstairs. As I waited for you to arrive, my heart started to pound, faster and harder every second. When you pulled up, I looked out the window and could have fainted right then. Your outfit was more than perfect. White jacket, so classy. You walked through the door, tall, and clean cut. Looking extremely nice. Our colors matched perfectly. We said our hellos and you handed me a beautiful corsage made with three white roses. It was lovely. Then you followed me out in the other room so I could give you your boutonniere. When we were alone, you looked at me and said,

“You look beautiful.” I thanked you and jokingly struggled to compliment back. Soon it was time for us to leave for the road trip to the location of prom, just over an hour away. When we got to the highway, I whispered in your ear and said,

“Sometimes I get nervous on the highway,” and my dad, poking fun, yelled,

“Hey! No whispering back there!” and I explained to my dad. But then I motioned to whisper to you again and continued,

“So I might hold your hand just so you know,” and you told me it wasn’t going to be a problem at all. I didn’t hold your hand that time, because I was doing fine and made it there calm and cool, all thanks to you. When we arrived, you almost kissed me when we were alone by the car, but you stopped yourself. We talked about our chances of being together and you tried telling me you weren’t sure if I believed you. I assured you that I did by giving you a big hug before heading into the building. After a bit of waiting around for decorations to be put up and for people to arrive, the music started and the night of prom began. I found my friends and we decided to start the dancing because no one else was going to. So we all danced for a while, working up a sweat. Then the first slow dance came on. You held me so close to you. I had never been closer to a guy for that long before. We sang the song together and talked about things as we danced. Our cheeks kept meeting, and that was pure magic. I loved feeling your warm face against mine. I didn’t have a care in the world as we danced together. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. It didn’t matter who was watching or what people were thinking. It literally felt like it was just us in the room. Once while we were dancing, you held me really tight up against your body and picked me up off the ground swinging me around. That was absolutely adorable. And we were laughing and just having a good time. It was really incredible. We went out in the lobby to get some air and I took my heels off and we just sat in silence. The whole night you were like a little puppy dog following me around everywhere. It was so sweet. I liked the moments where we just sat down and talked against the wall, because we hardly ever had time to alone. The very last song we danced to was Home by Michael Buble. We also sang this together. Well, you hummed. But it was the perfect ending for the dance. Basically right after that, the lights were turned back on and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Until I went out to the car to grab my change of clothes. It was dark, the parking lot was empty. The wind was perfect. You followed me out as I went to fetch something from inside the car and then sat on the edge of one of the seats while you stood out in front of me in the parking lot. You nervously said,

“I had a wonderful time tonight.” I told you the same and spit out my gum. You walked closer to where I was sitting. Then, very slowly, you moved your head close to mine, and we said something, but neither of us can remember what was said and you told me after that you were rambling because you were nervous, wanting to make this moment special for me. Every second our faces got closer, and it wasn’t long before our noses touched and we were in that position for a few seconds. I was nervous, my throat was making weird noises, I had hoped you didn’t hear them. I don’t think you did. For then, you gently put your soft lips against mine and I felt their wetness upon my bottom lip. It was extremely gentle and very sweet. Then you moved your head a few inches away and my face and I said,

“I don’t know how to do this,” but you comforted me and laughed saying,

“You’re fine. It’s okay.”

And we kissed again. That time I tried kissing you back and when I stopped, I looked down at your mouth and you had the most beautiful smile on your face. Then I nicely pushed you away and put my arms around your neck saying,

“Wait a minute…hang on… I don’t want to be just another girl,” and you assured me by saying,

“You’re not just another girl…” then I found myself believing you and said,

“One more, because what the heck? We did it already,” and we kissed once more.

On the ride home, you reached for my arm and slowly moved your hand down to mine and wrapped your fingers around it. I looked over at you and you were smiling sweetly at me, playing with my thumb. I was completely taken. I had never imagined my first kiss to be as perfect as you had made it.
This was the last time we were alone together for a while. We found our ways of being together without others around, but not very often. When summer came, class was over. We had to face facts. You were graduated now and you lived out of town, no where near me. It was going to be hard. Our parents didn’t agree with us seeing each other because they knew of your habits. But there were exceptions. We were able to see each other at parties, if we had any to go together or if I hosted one. A couple times, when you were in my town, you came by. Or when I was in your town, I stopped by. We didn’t waste a moment of our time together. Every time we saw each other, we fell harder and harder. Because our time together was limited and unknown for the most part, we lived every moment up that we could. We only kissed six more times after prom night. Our physical relationship didn’t consist of much, not because we weren’t comfortable, but because my parents weren’t okay with all of it and I didn’t want to break rules to be with someone and you wanted to respect my parents’ guidelines. But it didn’t really matter that I couldn’t kiss you whenever I wanted to or wrap my arms around you every second, I was just happy when you were around. We had a long, beautiful summer together. Mostly messaging, texting, IMing and Skyping. But we were content with any time we had together. We had our bumps in the road. You certainly were having a hard time keeping clean, but you did. I certainly was having a hard time with my family being against us, but we tried to show them the good in our relationship and how important the chemistry was between us. I tried to show you the beauty in people and nature other than the pleasures that certain substances and other material things try to promote. I had you wrapped around my finger and vice versa. I would pray to God whenever I thought of it that He would help me to continue to be a modest woman in your life who wasn’t loose to your liking and wouldn’t give you everything you wanted. You liked that I respected myself and that I was a challenge for you. I made it clear to you that the furthest I would go with a boyfriend would be kissing. And you respected my morals and beliefs. You never brought me down or made me feel like nobody. You supported me and believed in me. And I believed in you. I had faith in you. Even on the hardest of days, when you would disappear from conversation for days at a time.
Then it started to happen regularly. It wasn’t that you didn’t care. But you became extremely busy as summer ended. We were starting to see each other more than usual, but you had a work and school schedule that you were trying to work out. I, being a very patient person, tried not to let it get to me. But I missed our long conversations. They were still happening, but not as often. One night, we were Skyping for a long time, it was fun and it was a good conversation. We were planning on possibly meeting at a football game the next day. When you told you were tired, we said goodnight and you told me you would let me know if you could make it to the game the next day. I woke up the next day with no worries, none at all. As it started to get late, I didn’t hear from you so I decided to call your house phone. Your grandpa answered and told me you went to a party that night and came home in bad condition. I didn’t want to think about it too much, but it really got to me. I wanted to wait until I talked to you about it before I made up my mind about being disappointed in you. I waited four days to hear from you. You acted as if nothing had happened, but I knew better. I kindly asked you about that night and you told me you got very drunk at a friend’s house and passed out there. When you came home the next morning, your parents were angry, so you decided to move out. I was upset with you for the first time. You always told me how you thought drinking was stupid and you didn’t like alcohol, and now this happened. I told you that I didn’t want to have the conversation over text so you told me you were going to Skype me later. A few more days went by and I never heard from you. I got a text one evening from a friend of mine asking if we weren’t talking any longer. I questioned why she would be wondering this and she told me that you’re Facebook relationship status had changed. At that moment, I felt sick. I still didn’t want to think anything of some silly post on Facebook so I waited it out until I heard from you again. When you finally texted me, you apologized for being gone. I forgave you and asked about the relationship status and you assured me that it was a joke. The girl it said you were in a relationship with had supposedly hacked your account and set it so the two of you were in a relationship. After we cleared that up, I asked how you were doing and you told me you were moving. This lead to us making the decision to go our separate ways. The break-up was fast and painless. But it was very bittersweet. You left me with extremely kind words saying that you will always love me. I told you the same and we agreed that we would always be friends, no matter what. I’m not the kind of person to shut any one out of my life and you knew that. A week went by and every day got harder and harder without you. The saying, you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone, became my life story for the time being. I was so lost without you. I had never felt that way after a relationship before. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way. It wasn’t like you were dead. After two weeks, you texted me and asked how I was doing. But you came back with more than that. It was apparent that you’re feelings hadn’t left. You flirted with me and I restrained from flirting back. But you were so sweet, and I believed all the words you were saying. I felt like we hadn’t ever broken up. You texted me the next day too and it was the same as the day before. But this time I got a message from a girl on Facebook and she was asking me if I had been talking to her best friend’s boyfriend, you. I went ballistic. It was the same girl who had changed your Facebook relationship status. I tried to remain calm and cool. But I didn’t know what was going on. I figured she was just trying to start something with me. I waited to confront you about the messages. I found out from this same girl that you had apparently been seeing me and the other girl at the same time. I asked if you could call because I definitely didn’t want to have this conversation through text message. You offered to Skype instead. So I accepted. You didn’t know that I knew. So I asked you about it. I told you I wanted the honest answer and that I wasn’t going to cry, yell, or be angry at you. You told me you hadn’t been dating her at the same time, but that you kissed her right after we broke up. I knew that you were close with her, you used to talk about her all the time. You told me you didn’t know what to do because you were in love with me and her at the same time. So as hard as it was, I told you to choose her. I told you that if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have chosen her. So I told you to pick her. And you did. I stood up to you that day and told you I wasn’t going to be in the middle of you choosing between me and another girl because we’re worth more than that. With a smile on my face and a couple jokes here and there, we cleared the whole thing up. You said sorry numerous times and I could see the guilt upon your face. You didn’t smile once. The next day you texted me, flirting again. I told you that your girlfriend deserves better. I had to, once again, stand up to you in the kindest manner possible and tell you that this couldn’t continue.

That was two days ago. I haven’t heard from you since then. But I know that you’re happy. Your girlfriend posted a picture of the two of you nearly kissing with smiles on your faces. To be honest, you are not deserving of this long letter all about our story and what happened between us. But I couldn’t bear to hold it all inside of me. You hurt me very badly, and you know this. I cannot love you the way I once did because you are not that person at all. I fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist, that’s the scary part. I will always be here for you, I’m not a bad friend. But it’s very disappointing that our story had an end like this. I trusted you more than I trusted any boy before. And that’s a part of loving. I don’t regret a single moment with you. Maybe it didn’t mean much to you, but it meant the world to me. Of course I will miss the person who I thought you were, but I will not be missing who you are now. I pray to God that I have made a difference in your life. That was my hope throughout our whole relationship. But now it’s time for me to find someone who knows how to love from the bottom of their heart and someone who can be there for me when I need them. Wishing the best for you and what’s to come,

—Girl

Unknown

12 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by claraann in Uncategorized

I might like things that they do

I might sing songs that they do

I might walk a little bit like them

Or talk without thinking through

Just like they do

Sometimes I get antsy like they do

Maybe I’ll have bad days

Like they do, what’s new?

I probably have that bad streak

But the innocence covers that up

I hope you get to understand

What you see is hardly near to what you get

I might look like her and she might look like me

But I’m not just another girl

Sometimes I’m in love with JB

A little challenged, could be OCD

And I have that time of the month

I’ll bet you noticed that

When you were poking fun

I might smell a little like they do

I might laugh somewhat like they do

Maybe I even flirt just like they do

Or say things not entirely true

Just like they do

I may look like any other

But if it’s really you, you’ll see

You’ll discover on your own

I’m not just another girl

I’m unknown

When you scrape beneath all the layers

By bringing out what you can of me

I know you’ll find someone unique

Someone to love, a love to be

Even when I walk, talk, eat, laugh

Even when I whine, cry, sing, flirt

Just like they do

There’s more to me

I’m not just another girl

Anyone else with me?

26 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

I always end up being the one in a weird situation.

Treasure, Not a Target

24 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

A word of advice, for the guys who don’t know

Even those who don’t care, listen here

You’re gonna meet her someday

And you won’t know how to show

You’ll be so scared of feelings

But you won’t want to let this one go

A girl worth fighting for

She should be on your mind

Not in the back of your head, lingering from time to time

She should lead you to believe things

Of great value to you

She should make you want to shout the truth

Cause when it seems like she doesn’t

She’ll want to hear you say it

She’s yours if you treasure her

But you must remember one thing

She’s not a target

She’s going to need you when you don’t need her

And you’re going to want her when she doesn’t want you

So let’s forget about promises that are likely to end

Just be there for her like any old friend

A girl needs attention in the highest respect

If she tells you not to, do what she says

She needs someone to talk to

Someone who listens

A young man with positive actions

Who does things with good benefits

You must handle her gently

If you wish for her to stay near

Because she’s only staying if you know in your heart

She’s divinely sincere

On those evenings so long

When you realize what’s true

She’s a treasure, not a target

You’ve got her now, you know what to do

Above and Beyond

10 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

More than feelings or thoughts in the mind

Beyond words spoken from time to time

More than letters written on a page

Much more than these simple rhyme

Incomprehensible to most we meet

Though, practiced through every body

Has no wants or needs

Louder in warm, brightened places

Loudest in cold, darkened faces

Sung through graceful melodies

Committed and fully ready

In tune with all beauty

Prepared for battle and loss

Capable of breakthroughs

Comes with no cost

But is the greatest of values

Dear Old Friend,

05 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

I recall the words we once exchanged,

“I like you much more than a friend,

but I love you for always being one”

I love you for always being one. I wish I could understand where we went wrong within that sentence.  We are hardly friends.  Acquaintances, more like.  Truth is, I miss you.  Not you. And the truth is, things could only be the same if you wanted them to be and I know that you don’t. This is high school, this is life.  These are boys, these are girls.  This is hormones, this is this and that is that.  What’s really sad is that I could never convince you that I only miss our friendship.  I tried to tell you once but you interpreted it into, “I want you to be my boyfriend again”.  That wasn’t the case.  I was hurt badly by you, yes.  I could care much less about our deeper relationship.  In fact, I wish I could change what happened between us because it might have saved our friendship.  I don’t want to believe that you’re the typical teenage boy.  You’re unique, witty, and humorous.  But your actions speak much louder than words. I love you just as I have loved any other.  For any friend I would lose this way, it would be just as hard, maybe even harder.  It’s the fact that you’re right in front of me but I can’t get to you.  It’s the fact that we shared an awesome friendship that has vanished as if it never existed in the first place.  It’s the fact that you’re dating my friend and you could quite possibly hurt her how you hurt me.  It’s the fact that things didn’t work out in the end in any way at all.  That hurts.  We spent a year together, learning to be friends.  Picking each other up when one fell.  You said I nearly saved your life.  You cared in such a genuine and friendly way.  All of that, somehow, doesn’t matter to you anymore.  I lost you, friend.  And I do miss you.  I know one day I will look back and understand why things took their place the way they did.  But for now, I am afraid that I can’t help but wish we were in our old shoes.  Laughing together, coming up with clever non-sense, and lending a hand when needed.  I’m sorry that things had to end the way they did.  And I’m sorry you’ve become the person I see you as.  All good things eventually come to an end.  Friend, I pray for you and wish you well.

Love always,

Clara Ann

Crucial

09 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

Dear Sellers,

I met you a week and one day ago. From the moment we spoke to each other, I felt like we were good friends already. You have a beautiful voice and you play piano wonderfully. I think that you’re the most attractive friend I know. I love when you laugh at my stupidity. We’ve already hung out for over 12 hours since that first night we really talked and got to know each other. You ride your bike to my house when you visit and make double sandwiches. You have a way with words and music. We tried to finish your song, but ended up being totally blank in the mind. I never feel awkward around you and we always have something to talk about. You came to church with me and my family and helped me set tech up; then you hung out at my house after with my best friend and I. You get along really well with the people in my family and all my friends. Sometimes when you talk to me, you look down at my lips. You sang a worship song you wrote on guitar. You’ve only kissed one girl and she broke your heart. We already have some private jokes. The first time I actually saw you personally was 2 years ago at my house. A couple nights ago I pretended like I hadn’t met you before and came up to you and said, “Hi, I’m Clara!” and shook your hand, but you held on to my fingers after introducing yourself and said, “You look lovely tonight, by the way”. We both made wishes with dandelions. You think it’s funny that I was amazed by the green grass in our backyard. You think your hair is too poofy. You look like Ashton Kutcher when you don’t have your glasses or beanie on. The gaps between your teeth are cute. We’re going to probably hang out this weekend again. I think that you’re a handsome young man. Everyone keeps telling me your creepy, but I don’t see that. Oh yeah, you’re 19. But I could care less.

With all due respect,

Clara Ann

02 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

September wind, in silence

You cast a familiar feeling over me

Never letting me go

Always leading me to see

Everything behind me

The choices I have made

The things left undecided

I pray for these things to fade

Someday I will forgive you, September

I will love your beauty all in all

When you forgive me also

I know that will be my greatest fall

I’d like to see these nights end

They’re long and much too true

Tell you what I need

I need a breakthrough

My broken source of light

It fills only things I long for

Wishing for things I once held

Asking for more and more

I don’t want to do this again

I’m done with endless questions

I’m tired of these haunting words

I will no longer sleep restless

Pour down some rain, September

Shower me with your warmth

Changes anything like that

Will surely make someone like me look foward

20 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment

by claraann in Uncategorized

Do you remember when I went back and forth with the kid who never stood a chance? Well I’m doing that with you now.

Do you remember when you used to tell me that whoever “he” was, he was out there? I always thought you hoped it was you.

Do you remember you used to hug me all the time? I hug you now.

Do you remember the way you felt about me?  You said you wanted to love me one day.

Do you remember holding my hand? You held my hand so tightly.

Do you remember coming over? I never got tired of you.

Do you remember all the things I said to you? I meant them.

Do you remember how badly we wanted to kiss? I still wish for my first kiss with you.

Do you remember when we were best friends? It’s never going to be the same.

Do you remember looking into my eyes? I loved your brown eyes looking into mine.

Do you remember calling me beautiful? I still feel beautiful because of you.

Do you remember when you said you didn’t like yourself? I love that you do now.

Do you remember going to San Francisco? You were always funny when you acted gay.

Do you remember when we stayed on the phone all night? We were so good at putting it behind us.

Do you remember wanting this so much?